Why have so many people stopped eating ice-cream?

Name: Ice-cream.

Ingredients: Ice, cream.

You forgot sugar: Sugar.

Appearance: Glossy, dripping.

Mmmm … Do you like eating ice-cream?

Show me someone who doesn’t like eating lots of ice-cream and I will show you someone who has forgotten to enjoy being alive. Who’s that?

It’s the same person. It’s an expression. Never mind. I see. Well, good, because I was about to say that I could show you many people who don’t like eating a lot of ice-cream.

Really? Yes. According to a new report from market research firm Mintel, global ice-cream sales fell from 15.6bn litres in 2015 to 13bn in 2016.

Crikey! That’s a drop of 2.6bn litres – 16.7% – in a single year, and in the context of a rising global population. Did you just do that maths in your head?

I had the idea to use a calculator in my head. That doesn’t count.

So, humanity is losing its taste for ice-cream? Surely the apocalypse is now at hand. Not yet, it isn’t. Those are just the volume figures. In fact, according to Mintel, “growth remains solid if not spectacular in the key global ice-cream markets”, while demand is rising rapidly in India and China.

I’m confused. In that case, how come we’re eating so much less of it? A mixture of reasons. People in the developed world are becoming more aware of their sugar consumption

Mmm … awareness of my sugar consumption. There’s also been strong growth in luxury products such as gelato, innovative flavours such as saffron, and dairy-free versions made with almond milk, for example.

Good God! “Premium yoghurts are also becoming a more acceptable dessert,” says Alex Beckett, Mintel’s global food and drink analyst.

Not under my roof, they’re not. You old fogey. Look, it’s perfectly simple. People in the rich world are just eating more expensive, better-quality ice-cream, but less often or in smaller quantities. Ice-cream is …

Don’t say it. Ice-cream is being gentrified.

I told you not to say it! But it’s true. There’s now even kale ice-cream.

If that’s cool, I want to be a loser. Job done.

Do try: “Craft gin bombe alaska.”

Don’t try: “Pulled-pork gelato with chipotle-mayonnaise syrup.”

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